sauce on the side

well, it looks like i might have to take back a little bit of the shit i’ve talked about dave eggers, the content of which i can’t really remember, because i don’t think he’s come up much over the past four or so years. i just know that i offended at least a few people in college when i asserted over and over again that i didn’t think he was that great, and i wasn’t impressed with his book, or his pirate shop in san francisco. anyway, i still feel that way about the pirate shop, but i did begin to thaw a few years ago when he opened a pretty cool non-profit after-school program. (i used to really want to run an after-school program. this career wish came after such early aspirations such as “zoo-keeper” and “civil rights lawyer” and before recent hits such as “director of an alternative placement group home” and the current focus “good ethical person who isn’t poor, a sell-out, or too stressed to live” ) speaking of careers and career goals, the good people at national public radio let me know that mr. eggers has recently published a book all about (i think) the atrocities of the public educational system, mainly focusing on how teachers get the shaft in both prestige and salary. so that’s pretty cool of him. now that i’m a few months into my fourth year of teaching, and my third in the public schools of the city of brotherly love, the prospect of being a career teacher is sort of off the table for me. and this makes me sad. i’m not sure it it’s the lack of pay (i don’t think that’s the main thing) of the lack of prestige (probably a bigger problem, i am not proud to say) or just the fact that teaching isn’t that great of a deal, and i feel like i could do “better” for myself and for the world in general, doing something else. i understand that the gist of dave eggers’ book is that there is no reason to expect intelligent capable people to become teachers and then stay in the field long enough to really prosper and make a difference, when they just don’t get paid anything comparable to what they would make in other jobs where they would probably do less work and get more respect. i don’t know how true this is. i can’t really put my finger on what is making me hesitant to plan on more than a few more years of teaching. i think it might be the lack of opportunities for advancement that aren’t administrative, or just feeling tired of…being so tired. don’t get me wrong, i love my boys, and i love my school, and i love thinking and talking about education, especially public urban special education (the triple threat!! yes!!). but it’s true that teaching is overwhelming and exhausting and although i’m not proud of this, i’m spending more time thinking about what other things i might do, and eying that GRE prep book to get a move on masters number 2. and it’s not because i don’t like teaching…it’s just the circumstances of teaching that get me down. (more on this later, perhaps, as well as the top ten reasons you don’t need to watch south park when you could just come to room 414). anyway, i’m interested to read dave e’s book. and i do think it is very cool that someone who i always had sort of written off as too hip and post-modern to care about something as trite as teachers seems totally interested in their future. i guess i was wrong about him. but i won’t know for sure until i read it. and i’m definitely waiting for the paperback version to come out in the summer. right now i don’t have the time, or the money.

umm…does anyone else find themselves having a totally bizarre reaction the whole harriet miers debacle? every time i hear about it (npr covers the nomination like clockwork-every morning as a i merge onto 95 at 7:06, i hear the phrase "senate judiciary committee"), i find myself starting to laugh. but it’s a dark humor kind of laugh, the kind that’s appropriate during, like, the dysfunctional family dinner scenes in a really twisted episode of six feet under. the kind of laughter that comes from something being so wrong and yet so true, like, "this is the worst, it’s unbelievable …and yet so obvious.." she’s going to be on the supreme court because she sent bush a bunch of really nice birthday cards?? and EVERYONE is mad about it? (this is really screwing up my conception of who the evil doers are) and why does she look so funny? (actually, the way she looks funny actually kinda appeals to me. roberts was, among other things, such a pretty boy) anyway, i am pretty weirded out by the whole thing. i even find miers totally unhateable. she’s like a strange little ugly mysteriously benign muppet. i saw her a clip of her commenting on something on tv the other day, and soon after, i saw john edwards on a re-run of the daily show, and i felt more dislike for edwards* than for ms. harriet herself. has anyone worked up a good amount of emotion about her that isn’t just awe at the awesome absurdity of our government? how did you do it?

ps. speaking of six feet under, i have watched a few episodes of the show and i am pretty sure that it has given me nightmares. so. i’m officially a humungous pussy.

*he really always got under my skin, but the whole "i’m still totally on message even though i am NO LONGER RUNNING FOR OFFICE really annoys me. i also never forgave him for being a trial lawyer.

here at my suggested new categories:

words you like: cavalier, hyperbole, copious, hoboken, weathered, whisper, vitriolic
words you dislike: acerbic, litigate, fragile, indefatigable, precedent

favorite feelings: looking forward to small predictible pleasures. contentment. when i can articulate someone else’s feelings for them, and they look delighted.

most un-favorite feelings: when i feel envious of people i whom i don’t admire, and maybe even sort of despise. guilt.

things at which you suck balls: sports of all kinds (except running, and even then i get an alarming amount of skinned knees). singing. dancing. spelling. basically anything and everything which might require friends or parents to come watch me perform or compete.

things you’re good at: cooking, articulating just about anything, making people laugh by “keeping it real”, practical solutions/problem solving, remaining calm in chaos.

things you have no patience for: being tailgated by SUVs, drama, committees. when people with no college/grad school loans express even an ounce of self satisfaction over their idealistic career choices. ( i know that’s real unfair of me. it’s a gut reaction thing, just like the SUVs)

things you wish you were better at: being happy for other people without comparing myself to them. lifting weights. highway driving. geography.

things you hate and don’t understand how other people could ever like them: scary movies. amusement park rides. reality t.v.

embarrassing habits: googling people like it’s my job. playing with my hair constantly throughout the day. staring shamelessly at strangers on the train.

marketing strategy for which you are a total sucker: they way when the fall starts, everything is always ‘ginger’ this and ‘pumpkin’ that. every time i pass an A-plus mini-mart, i want to go in and get a “new pumpkin latte”. even though it’s a gas station, and there is a 2000 percent guarantee that that shit is nasty. i also blatantly judge books by their cover.

most despised public figure: lynne cheney.

character from a tv show who you’d like to sleep with if a) it wouldn’t be cheating and b) they existed in real life: stringer bell

CD you listen to which you would never put in “favorite music” because you’re real embarrassed by it: late registration by kanye west (does he remind anyone else of ‘carleton’ from the fresh prince?)

thing you pretend to hate but actually really enjoy: the way people at work always make a big deal out of how tiny i am (people who do my job are usually big huge men).

if i were in charge of friendster, i would add some new categories to the boring boring list of things people fill out to tell others about them. (more on this later, possibly). definitely i’d include “most un-favorite feeling”. mine is envy fueled by vague distain. i just re-read “inventing the abbots” the other afternoon in the used book store, it is a very good short story about this phenomenon, (also a mediocre movie). anyway, while i was in said used bookstore with my mom, she glanced at the cashier behind the counter and realized that she knew her- the girl, about my age, was the daughter of one of my mom’s writer friends from philly. this particular friend is one who she dearly loves, but whose christmas letters she often rolls her eyes at because they are always all about how FABULOUS everything and everyone is, is a real sweetie, and a great poet, for the record. anyway, this girl, complete with very fashionable but slightly disheveled “j-crew/ anthropologie/ classy thrift store in nyc” get up and a lovely face, cheerfully explained herself to us in the style of someone who has recently graduated from or applied to something in the small liberal arts genre. she pushed her hands through her hair (perfect messy ponytail, of course) and told us that she was trying hard to decide which area to pursue in graduate school (history or italian studies), and so she was just working at the bookstore while she made up her mind. she was so earnest, and so articulate, and so keen on making sure we understood the deal: that she might be indecisive, but she was SMART. and she was going to establish herself in the world as a SMART person, who STUDIED things. IMPORTANT things. now i’m all for being smart. and she seemed like an excellent, sweet person. but the whole thing got under my skin, but because while i carried on a nice pleasant converstation, there were two emotions running under every look i took at her, neither of which i was particularly into thinking about. they were: “wow, i’d like to BE her..” and “oh, i am so much better than her”. you know that feeling when you are mildly consumed by jealousy of someone but also feel vaguely superior to them. blech. i never know what to do in those situations: whether to be comfortable and happy for the other person for whatever they have that i don’t have (beautiful face, charm, brand new jetta, grad school fellowship, tuition trust fund, plane tickets to london…) or to go with my lower instincts and try to get in sideways comments in which i establish some kind of opinion that is really a dig, like: “yeah, italian literature is great if you don’t have a job”… or “right, i’m glad you love your LSATs tutor..isn’t is great that anyone can buy their way into law school??” anyway, this situation did not come to this, although when i explained to her that i teach middle school, and she said “oh, yeah, i was also thinking of just getting my M. ED, you know, and teaching”, i wanted to be like, “yeah, i was just thinking of getting a PhD in italian studies…” Instead, I said some smart things about how the vocational nature of a teaching masters makes the classes un-stimulating, and how teaching kicked my ass in the beginning but now i’m pretty good at it, etc. i used some big words, and then did some gushing about our neighborhood (she lives near us) and that was that. Overall, it was pretty pleasant, but still it was a weird. i mean, just for me, not for everyone else. notable only because i felt so envious of this girl: cute clothes, sparkly eyes, well-slept, and on the cusp of a life full of interesting engagments and meaningful readings and articulate class discussions, which would probably wind themselves into a sophisticated career as a curator, or professor, where she would live with her lawyer/doctor husband in a lovely sprawling house with hardwood floors and lots of bookcases, drive top of the line volvos and send her children to politically progresive private schools where they would do in depth units on diversity, and everyone would play lacrosse. but i was also feeling so smug as i thought about these things, because clearly i look down on their self indulgent bourgiouse predictibility…. (side note: obviously no one knows that much about other peoples’ lives, especially other people they have just spoken to for a total of ten minutes, but i have a tendency to invent people’s future acutrements for them like it’s my job. anyway, i wanted to be her, or at least on her trajectory. but that the same time, i didn’t. this happens to me a lot, and i wish it didn’t.

PS: clearly i don’t spell check. i didn’t do it in college, i’m not doing it in grad school, and it’s not happening on friendster, either. sorry. i’m a creature of habit.

well, as of this weekend, the dk and i have been dating for four years. that’s right, you can count ‘em (i did, when it occured to me a few weeks ago). just in time for my “if our relationship were college, i would be ready to graduate” routine to get old, it occured to me yesterday to start asking him what his re-election platform was going to be. (answer: tuna fish, hondas, more trips to the zoo, and increased revenue). he also pointed out that he was running unchallenged, and requested that he be called “bloomberg”. anyway, doron is the greatest. besides the fact that i have been able to evolve into a bigger and bigger nerd without stressing about being too big of a loser to ever find a boyfriend, i’m really lucky to have him around all of the time. let’s hope he stays. (early exit polls look excellent)